Chuck Schumer, Donald Trump, and Me

Historic Meeting Today

I made a post on Meta (Facebook) today and people were curious about how the meeting went. Here are my notes:

My Meta Post for today

Podcasting works! Took six seasons but now invited to DC to broker a sit-down between President Trump and Chuck Schumer. Wish me luck.

And the Meeting as it began:

As they often do, negotiations start with President Trump looking for areas to connect.

“Senator Schumer,” began the president, “May I call you Chuck?”

I nod encouragingly toward Senator Schumer and raise my eyebrows to indicate a response would be good.

“Sure, Chuck it is,” came the reply, “and I will try very hard not to call you Hitler or the Devil in this meeting.”

We all laugh…

President Trump: “Look Chuck, we are both New Yorkers, we are both getting on in years, we’ve both done well, and it seems we could do our jobs better.

Senator Schumer: “Let’s start by asking if you can be a little less of a turd. The notion that you could have a third term is utter nonsense. Just stop. If you have any people trying to decide if you are the harsh medicine this country needs or an uncontrollable megalomaniac with no sense of decorum, you are pushing them to the sewer my friend.”

Trump: Your party’s approval rating is 27% and falling, while my approval rating is higher than at the same point in my first term.”

Schumer, scoffing: “Big deal. Your ratings were in the tank eight years ago. Recall that we were running the Russia Collusion Hoax at that time, hoping to bring down your political power. I told you the intelligence agencies had eight ways from Sunday to get back at you. You looked dumbfounded then like you were caught in a crossfire hurricane or something.”

Trump: You see? You admit you ruined my first term. Just like when I am winning another club golf championship, I get a presidential mulligan here. Now you’ve never seen anything like it ratings-wise.

Schumer: “For crying out loud, you sound like some kind of whiny brat from New Jersey or Connecticut. As my former senate colleague Joe Biden once said, “Politics ain’t beanbag.”

Schumer concluded: “So you want to talk ratings, history, or doing something about where we are today?”

Trump: “Fine. Fine. What should we talk about?”

Schumer: “Right now you are kicking people out of the country en masse. It better be for more than what they are saying or writing. We still bring out the First Amendment whenever it is convenient. Either you know more about other criminal activity or maybe sleeper cells, and you are cleaning that up. No matter, make your case on something better than that you don’t like what they say.”

Trump: “Seriously Democrats, read the room. Letting in 18 million unvetted immigrants, defending graft and corruption and not fighting for the DEI you said was essential to a strong America, and trying to slink away from the gender lobotomies is about as bad as it can be. Not to mention getting our money and military involved in a European war.”

Schumer: “You don’t know how this game is played do you? What are you trying to Signal, hmmmm? Can’t you see that we have mastered the disappearing outrage program? With coordinated talking points, we can feed any half-truth, blatant falsehood, or just normal governing to our base as something that is to be feared and get them to react hideously. It’s their social media support, their willingness to abandon any sense of curiosity or reason, and for some to be emotional enough to destroy things.”

Trump: “You know that game can only be played so long before it backfires on you.”

Schumer: with a strong laugh, “Nope. We just move on to the next false outrage and never go back to saying we were wrong.” “You have no idea what we can get people to believe. We can make them believe they are intelligent and caring.”

Trump: “I’m above average in convincing people, even if it’s pretty much all about me.”

Schumer: “Ha! What you don’t understand is that we can make our people hate your people.”

Trump: “True that. Kinda hurts hat sales.”

Me: “Gentlemen, I don’t feel like we are getting anywhere here. What say we let go of the party politics for a while and see if we can find some middle ground?”

Trump: “I’m willing to talk, but the Democrats need to understand that fighting the last war is usually the downfall of victorious armies. They lost, they lost big, and the same attempts at mass hysteria are failing. They are idiots if they think that a governor chortling over a sinking stock price is what America wants. Tiananmen Tim Walz, the only person the DNC could find for the political Kamikaze mission of being number two to Candidate Word Salad, makes a mockery of statecraft. My advice would be to send him back to his home state, if he can figure out which one it is, and tell him to maybe not torch the largest city.”

Me: “So, can we see why 70% of Americans wanted neither the Republicans nor Democrats?”

Schumer: “We did our part in making up that mandate. We crushed our own primary voting system to usher a dementia-stricken man with his own corruption issues to the top of the ticket. Then this man,” gesturing at the president, the senator continued, “This president is disrupting the cash flow and retirement plans for a lot of people in the Senate, the House, and elsewhere in our government. He is not going along to get along.”

Trump: “There! Did you hear him? He wants to live on the spoils of dysfunction, and that lets little things like renaming the Gulf of Mexico, belittling Canada, and slapping Denmark and Greenland hurt my approval ratings.”

Schumer: “You have a point there, Mr. President. Canada could use some belittling, for sure. And that pompous president enjoying our military spend in Ukraine could use a little wakeup call too.”

Trump: “Yeah, and maybe we keep Iran at bay as well?”

Schumer: “Maybe. What’s in it for me and the people of New York?”

Silence follows.

Me: “So you think that maybe you could act like grownups, get out of the Washington DC bubble, and do an actual fix of healthcare, affordability, and security without bankrupting three generations?”

Schumer: “Not much money in that. Except for the insider trading and stuff. And having campaign funds routed back to us through NGOs, pharmaceutical lobbyists and healthcare insurance lobbyists.”

Trump: “Maybe we need a government of people exclusively with a net worth over a certain threshold instead?”

Me: “I can’t help you work together unless you focus on something other than your own political fortunes or ratings. Is there anything you can agree on?”

Schumer Trump and Me: “Yes, yes we can. APRIL FOOLS!”